I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
