mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
