I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
