I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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