i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
