I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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