We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
