Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
one might say we're banned from that church
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
