hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Come on in and take your pants off
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