Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
