so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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