My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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