Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
