She's JV to your varsity
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
