Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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