I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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