my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
