david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
