Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
