I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
