the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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