Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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