Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
