remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
