I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
