im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
