She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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