I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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