I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
