Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize