my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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