life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
