i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
and she was petting her beer can
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
