if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
