I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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