***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Someone shit on the floor
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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