ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
