somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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