What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
