my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
