Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
