I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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