my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if only i could text you this smell
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
