How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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