theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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