Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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