He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
