is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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