I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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