The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
