if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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