ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize