this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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