In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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