My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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