I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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