This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
