I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
