ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
