Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
